A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
