where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
