I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
