Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
