Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Alive.
So much puke
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
