I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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