Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
