last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
