I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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