i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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