im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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