I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
