That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
