I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
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Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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