i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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