My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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