margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
