i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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