my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Still dying that you shit outside
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
