Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
