I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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