you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
