I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
