google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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