So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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