Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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