somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
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I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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