The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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