I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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