apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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