a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
