Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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