i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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