he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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