Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
