just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
