We won't sleep together?
You smell like stripper and shame
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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