paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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