I'm jealous of your bromance
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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