today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
