So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
