the condom got lost in my hair
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
