thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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