only you would photoshop your dick
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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