i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
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In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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