Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
