More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
