Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
