i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
