btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
