fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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