Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
