Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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