I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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