Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
