Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
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We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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