I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think a kid would responsible me up
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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