The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I will be naked everywhere
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
