He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
